Daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, student, future nurse, doula, yogi, cook and mother to a four legged two toned scared of everything dog.

In 2012 I:

Cried a lot, lost a lot, learned a lot, found a lot, discovered a lot, changed tremendously, lost my way, found a new path, changed my plans, made new ones, felt unsure, made new friends, reconnected with old friends, lost faith in myself and found it again.

In 2013 I will:

Laugh more, love more, do new things, try new things, loose my way, find a new path, do yoga, graduate, move, eat, change, believe, try, be happy.

Six months in, I will be the first to admit that being a full time student with no job is not my cup of tea anymore, if it ever was. My program is not what I thought it would be. Life in New York is not what I thought it would be. And any idea I had about anything to do with this adventure is not what I thought it would be. Needless to say, I’ve learned a lot, grown a lot and changed a lot. You got that right, A LOT!

Thankfully, the past the six months have also come with many amazing life lessons and a few recipes, that I will impart on you starting today.

I actually stopped cooking for a while, as it was really hard to be in the kitchen. I wrote about it a while back, but never posted…I was both too busy and too conflicted about all the changes in my life. Reading it now, it shows me how far I’ve come and how much cooking I have to catch up on.

I close my eyes and I step into the kitchen and right away in my head I start to put together the ingredients I will need for tonight’s dinner.  I have an image in my head, my computer in my hand with several recipes that stirred my creativity pulled up on the screen.  It’s been a rough day and I’m ready to shake off the cobwebs by creating something for the people in my home (this night) and myself. 

When my feet touch the cold tile of my New York kitchen, I strain to feel the same sense of ease and clearing of cobwebs as I do at home, in Berkeley.  I don’t feel the same pull of creativity or inspiration.  All the items are the same, my knives, kitchen aid, cutting board and Dutch oven yet the sudden urge to create something delicious is not nearly as strong.

My parent’s kitchen feels familiar to me, always a bit of a challenge because I don’t ever have all the ingredients I THINK I need to create the image in my head. Yet being back in CA, in their kitchen, I’m suddenly motivated to cook. It’s simple, it’s breakfast, but the urge is there, the itch.

I feel the urge more when Will is around, maybe that’s because there is someone to cook for, someone to enjoy the spoils with.  Yet the kitchen still feels foreign, I keep trying to reach for that feeling, that connection I’ve felt for many years now, when I step into the kitchen to cook.

The kitchen at Wills parents house is big and open. Just like with my parent’s kitchen, I know I don’t have all of my kitchen knickknacks. But I love cooking for family and that in itself is the driving force.  I feel happy standing there slicing onions, prepping shrimp and refusing to let anyone help me even though I love the company.  The best part though, is when everyone comes together to enjoy the final product, the critique of the dish, the laughter and love remind me why I love to cook so much in the first place.

We step into the kitchen together, both with our own visions. We discuss, argue and compromise on the different aspect of how this meal will come together. He lets me lead, even though he has proven himself in the kitchen twice over. We put together the different parts of tonight’s dinner, critiquing and thinking of improvements for next time as we go along. The kitchen is filled with our voices: stupid jokes, playful glances and teasing criticisms.  The new surroundings feel more intimate less foreign.

Most of the boxes we packed in our move were labeled kitchen. It’s amazing how much fit into such a small space. I wondered, when I come back to this space, would it feel the same?

All the same things made to fit into another small kitchen. Will I eventually be as sad to leave it behind or will it always feel somewhat foreign?  In the mean time, I pick up my knife and seek out the inspiration to cook something new.

Downward facing dog. Constricted breathing, heart racing. Plank. Panic setting in its difficult to focus. Chaturanga. I want to scream, throw things & cry uncontrollably. Upward facing dog. Maybe this was all a mistake, what am I doing here. Downward facing dog. I don’t belong here, why did I do this. Jump forward. My heart hurts. Look up. The world is spinning. Fold forward. Hold on to my legs so tight that it hurts. Stand up straight. Tell yourself you can control this panic attack. Hands in front of the heart. Silent prayer, “please let me get through this.” Fold forward. Panic again. Look up. Uncontrolled fear. Fold forward. Hold on to my legs for dear life. Jump back into chatarunga. Adrenaline serge. Upward facing dog. Anger. Downward facing dog. Tears. Right leg up. Focus. Right leg forward, warrior one. Did I make the wrong decision? Chaturanga. Should I drop out, go back home? Upward facing dog. How do I control this? Downward facing dog. Harder to breath. Left leg up. Fuck this. Left leg forward, warrior one. I hate this. Chaturanga. Let go, damn it, just let go. Upward facing dog. Breath. Downward facing dog. Breath! Jump forward. Relax. Look up. Fold forward. Buyers remorse is a common affliction. Stand up. Loose form, look blankely at the horizon. Fold your hands in prayer in front the heart. Silent prayer, “Please let me get through this, I can do this.” 

xoxo

All week I’ve had that excited to learn yet totally overwhelmed, not quite sure where I fit in and what the heck have I gotten mysel into feelings. While the sheer amount of class hours, reading and studying seems daunting, finally learning about things I want to learn about makes it bearable. My undergraduate studies, while interesting (at times), did not give me the sense of purpose and fulfillment I feel now.

In every class this week I found myself thankful for three year break between UC Davis and the start of this journey. So much of what I have learned in the past three years at the American Red Cross, as a doula and just part of society, has made this process seem that much more manageable. I can feel the difference in my study skills, organization and response to the everyday stresses of a new environment.

I have 5 classes, 2 skills classes and 1 day of clinical’s, totaling 30 hours of information absorption!! Amazingly, having calculated that does not make me want to run for the hills, I’m still excited…… deep deep inside, hidden beneath all that anxiety and fear

As always my limited sanity is sustained by cooking and yoga. For about a week now, I’ve had fennel, sitting longingly in my new vegetable drawer (new apartment,new city, new vegetable drawer) wanting to be cooked. I didn’t mean to ask W,before he left , to buy fennel, I meant something else.  I don’t remember what that something else was, but it wasn’t fennel. But since I got fennel, I tried to cook fennel.

Fennel smells a lot like licorice as it turns out. I hate licorice and almost threw the fennel away!! I reconsidered at the last minute and decided to slice it thinly and caramelize it. As it turn out, once caramelized, fennel is delicious and I think often used in chinese food. At least it tasted like something I’ve eaten in my chow mein….I didn’t have time research this further, as I’m a busy nursing student . I added the fennel into something I was already making. While I enjoyed the fennel and felt that it had a rich, meaty flavor. I did not end up being a big fan of the cous cous salad I added it to. I felt that the salad was lack luster, perhaps the dressing needed to have more wow factor.  Not much of a recipe overall, but I encourage you to try cooking fennel.

I am honestly not sure when my relationship with yoga began, I know it was sometime close to starting college. I was inconsistent for many years, a class here and there, a video, a couple of bikrum classes with friends but nothing committal. Two years ago, is when yoga and I started dating exclusively , my practice became more regular, I found a style of yoga that really worked for me, both on a physical and metaphysical level.

There are many different types of yoga and different people have different relationships with yoga. For me its both physical exercise for my body and emotional/spiritual exercise for the mind. I feel energized, centered and rejuvenated after even 15 minutes on the matt.

I haven’t had an easy time finding instructors that fit my yoga mold — surprising considering the number of yoga studio’s — but once I found a few, the experience was transformative. I love the studio Urban Flow in San Francisco and while I cannot frequent her classes regularly Clara Roberts-Oss (she is in Canada) is the amazing instructor I went to Bali with. I did my 30 day yoga challenge with the help of a newly discovered yoga website, called YogaGlo. Not only does the site have amazing instructors (Kathryn Budig is my favorite) it tracks my practices, lets me save favorite video’s and posts new video’s on a daily bases.

I love to exercise. I enjoy biking, hiking, rock climbing and many other out door activities. Yoga though is something I can easily integrate into my day no matter where I am or wht I’m doing, though sometime I need to push through the lazy . Yoga isn’t for everyone, but for me, this 30 day challange made me realize that yoga will be essential for me during the next two years of my life.

P.S. As you can see the length of practices declined towards the middle of the month. I got a little to enthusiastic and pulled my back. I switched to some feel good yoga for a few days and learned that I need to push a little less and be patient a little more.

One big accomplishment is that I found an apartment! No easy task! Doing it remotely is a herculean feat! I got lucky, my days of scouring craigslist, quick email composition and the willingness of my amazing family to drive into the city at a moments notice paid off. We got what I think is a pretty amazing, spacious (by NYC standards) 1 bedroom apartment. Walking distance to the subway and a large park (score one for Calvin).

With the apartment secured, I still don’t know when we are actually moving…a lot of things are still TBD….but you know what, I am accepting it! Sorta….maybe…

As always, when things feel unstable and crazy I run to the kitchen and throw myself full force into cooking; the process itself more than the final product is what quiets the ten thousand thoughts floating around in my head.

A few nights ago, I put my own twist on my dad’s fried potatoes. I made them more fancy and even less healthy, hah, if that’s possible.

These potatoes are not for the faint of heart. They are delicious but very ahem hearty and DELICIOUS!!

Can you get who’s plate this was? (not mine)

Instead of helping build this time, I spent several hours looking over loan options with the help of the greatest father-in-law in the whole universe. While I’m excited to be going back to school, the prospect of taking out more loans is daunting. When I spoke on the phone to the loan officer and he asked me to confirm the amount of money, I said “Yes, that’s correct and now please don’t say the number again.” For the rest of the call, it was “that number you don’t want me to say.”

For those who may stumble across my blog and are planning to go back to school or about to start school the few things I’d advice are:

1. Apply everywhere you want to go, even if you think you can’t get in, you may be surprised.
2. Plan ahead, make lists, spreadsheets and do lots of research. Talk to students at the schools, professors and people with experience doing what you are about to do.
3. Apply for every scholarship you can find and carefully analyze your loan options.
4. Do not, give up.

After several hours at this depressing task (loan research, not garage building), I took a break for dinner. We had ordered Indian food and I love, love, love Indian Food. I realized, as I bit into my delicious samosa, that while my home cooked repertoire is quite diverse, it doesn’t include Indian food. Sure I cook curries, but they are of the Thai persuasion rather than Indian. I felt the need to remedy this appalling gap in my culinary endeavors and decided to try to make Bugs’ favorite, Chicken Tikka Masala.

I used a recipe from Pioneer Woman, posted by a friend of hers. It turned out delicious but not quite Chicken Tikka Masala. We had our friends over, one of whom, happens to work in an Indian Restaurant. She gave me some good suggestions to try when I make the dish again.

One tweak I already made is marinating the chicken in the yogurt and spices instead of cooking it right away. I wish I had done this for longer to give the chicken more flavor. My friend recomended marinating overnight. The sauce didn’t have that orange-red color or that same creamy flavor that I find in my favorite Indian restaurant. The rice turned out excellent, though not as evenly cooked as I would have like. Overall, it was a yummy dinner but it needs work. Now I just need to do all those dishes in the kitchen. :-/

In about six weeks we will be moving to New York City where I will be attending Columbia University!

About a year ago, I applied to a few schools in hopes of getting into a accelerates bsn/msn nursing program. Hence the recent trip to Portland and the East Cost (that I never posted about) and a lot of weird Facebook comments that probably never made sense to anyone but me. I was fortunate enough to get accepted into several amazing schools; schools that I never though I could get into to. Making my final decisions was tough but I’m really happy to have this opportunity.

My decision was between Columbia, John’s Hopkins and Oregon Health and Science University (where I was waitlisted). The program at Columbia is two years long (full years, working through the summers), one year for the bachelors and one year for the masters. I will become a Nurse Practitioner/Midwife in the end (fingers crossed). This program felt like the best fit for many reasons. It’s going to be an intense two years but I am excited.

Living in New York is one of those things that I think I’ve always wanted to do. Everything from lounging around in central park, to New Years in time square to getting lost at the Metropolitan Museum of arts. It will be a very different lifestyle than Berkeley and one I’m looking forward to trying on. My brother lives on the east cost and that is a huge bonus. We haven’t lived in the same city in over 16 years!!! Its going to be a grand adventure and one that I hope to share on this blog.

During this past CRAZY month, of decisions, transitions, tears and excitement, I’ve leaned a lot on my family and close friends for advice, support and guidance. Hence I felt it would be appropriate to share a family recipe today. These fish cakes are my dad’s creation and a family favorite. They disappear before he is even done cooking them. They are mostly healthy and super quick and easy to make. Most importantly they don’t taste fishy!

Anyone who has to deal with the swollen, drippy, or congested sinuses because of trees dumping pollen understands the enormity of this situation. The occasional rain may temporarily scrub the pollen out of the air, but the temporary relief seems to only anger the trees into producing more allergens.

Suddenly, global warming is an annoyingly personal issue for me.

I am now torn between hoping for rainy days spent miserably wet, sloshing to and from class, or beautiful days accompanied by my sinuses trying to explode a hole through the front of my face.

The timing is impeccable.  Murphy would be proud.  Allergies arrived to congratulate me on beginning of my thesis.  Nothing increases productivity like inhaling steam while begging your respiratory track to stop keeping your brain hostage.  Luckily, the glory of modern pharmaceuticals have gotten my nasal passages back on track (side effects pending, keep your fingers crossed), and I can return to boring my friends by discussions on the relative merits of online communication, looked at from various scholarly angles.

All this means that despite Ana being the one going into medicine, and while I’m the one going into Internet, she has been the one keeping up the blog.  Promises to change should be forthcoming, but don’t hold your breath.  Life gets in the way, and cameras are unsurprisingly unwieldy when trying for a fast dinner.

I am also learning that I am a slap dash cook.  “Add spices until it is tasty.  If it isn’t tasty, add more spices.  Or more bacon.”  Truth be told, my cooking could be improved by more structure but right now all of the structure in my life is being channeled toward reading.  My recipes are simmering on the back burner, simmering, until they are ready to send out to the world.

This is a healthy-for-some-value-of-healthy cookie.  It still have a cup of butter and two cups of sugar, but it also has flax seed, wheat germ, bran, and whole wheat flour. It’s a high fiber oatmeal cookie, with more nutrients than normal.  It’s not a health bar trying to pretend it’s a cookie, this is a real oatmeal cookie that happens to have some good stuff in it.

I have long held that oatmeal cookies are amazing because you can hide whatever you want in them and they are still tasty.  That precept holds true again as the cookies manage to absorb bran (bran!) without ending up tasting like old people food.  It is a magical thing.

Next round, I am going to experiment with replacing a little more of the oats with barley flakes.  The barley flakes don’t have as hearty a texture, so I was afraid that the flakes would turn to mush.  Since the cookies didn’t seem to suffer too much, I am going to try pushing my luck, and just being careful with how much I stir.

Of course, with most of this stuff I have vague knowledge that it is good.  So while I’m sitting with my cookie going “Flax seeds! Omega-3′s!” while feeling good about myself for my oh-so-healthy (yet still butter filled) lifestyle, I’m going to let Ana talk a little bit more in depth about why exactly these cookies are awesome.

After all, she should get a chance to show off her degree in nutrition (and pretend it gives purpose to student loan debt). -E

Lets start with wheat germ, it is the portion of the wheat kernel that is removed during processing into flour. For one, wheat germ is an excellent source of folic acid, folate, the form of folic acid naturally occurring in our body is needed to synthesize DNA. In addition, folic acid contains a powerful antioxidant not destroyed by cooking. Folic acid is also important for pregnant woman, as it help prevent neural-tube birth defects. While it is unusual for a western diet to be deficient in folic acid, it is definitely good for you.

Flax Seed is high dietary fiber, omega-3 fatty acids and micronutrients. Initial research has indicated potential links  between flax seed intake and decrease in incidence of of certain cancers, reduced cholesterol and improved diabetes status. The omega-3 fatty acids are “good” fats and have been shown to have heart healthy affects.

Bran is another part of the whole grain and is usually produced as by product of milling. Bran is also rich in dietary fiber and essential fatty acids.

Barley contains 8 essential amino acids! (very exciting) Essential amino acids are those that we have to consume, our body does not produce them. There are a total of 10 essential amino acids (one is required for the young), so to have 8 found in one place is a big deal and great way to get your body what it needs to run like a well oiled machine. The interwebs propose a very long list of benefits for barley, I would double and triple check sources before believing everything you read (about any of these). My motto tends to be everything in moderation.

I’m not going to go as far as to break down every component of this delicious cookie, but I think the above say’s that the guilt of eating a cookie (if you have said guilt) is pretty well balanced by the benefits listed above. -A

based on Simply Recipe Grandma’s Oatmeal Cookies

See nutritional information